Both/And: Walking with Jesus and Postpartum Anxiety
Have you ever filled your morning cup of coffee too full? Where it’s up to the brim and about to lap over the edge so you bend down and without moving the mug, slurp up the excess so you can safely move it?
Any jostle or jolt will invite a spill. Everything is right at the top.
That’s how I felt, before I started taking medication for postpartum anxiety two months ago. I also felt sad, foggy, distanced, experiencing intrusive thoughts, irrational fears, easily irritated, and always on edge. I was also reading my Bible, taking walks, getting outside, listening to worship music, and doing one thing a day that lit me up. I was showering almost every day, getting away every couple weeks for a night on my own or a date, sleeping relatively well for having a newborn, and had support from my spouse and family.
And still.
Trying to be fine.
“If tomorrow is another bad day, I’ll start taking medication the day after that.”
I felt myself tipping into more bad days than good. Into nightmares. Which is why I had the bottle of pills in the first place, because back in my third trimester I started having horrific nightmares. I had only taken one or two when the nightmares abated. My subconscious felt safer, so I set the bottle of pills in my cupboard. Just in case. Just in case. Just in case the nightmares come back.
But when they did, I still tried to convince myself I was fine. Like Ross from Friends making fajitas, I was definitely not fine, while constantly declaring the opposite.
My degree is in counseling and I’ve always been supportive of other people needing medication to manage their mental illness. I’ve affirmed many others in their choice to begin medication. I would never say someone didn’t need it.
But to take it for myself…I felt like I should be able to worship, pray, and rest my way out of it. But I couldn’t.
That coffee cup was filled to the very brim, and every day felt like walking on eggshells hoping it wouldn’t tip over. A book, a news story, a cup of spilled milk–could send everything in a downward spiral.
What taking medication for postpartum anxiety means…
For me, medication just drained the cup to a manageable level. Life is still very full, and sometimes overwhelming, but it’s manageable. I feel “chill”. (Or as chill as a Type-A, oldest daughter gets.)
I didn’t think I would tell this story yet. I truly believe in teaching from your scars not your wounds, so I tend to give situations a lot of time before publicly sharing them. But the other day I scrolled down on my Instagram stories and saw face after face–many of them young moms. And I thought, “Maybe there is one person who needs to hear that someone else who loves Jesus thought “I’m really fine” or “It’s not so bad.” or “I’m a Christian so I shouldn’t need it.”
And they did need that extra support a medication could bring. So here I am telling you as a friend, big sister, and fellow Christ follower…
- Things may get better if you take the pills. (Talk to your health provider, of course.)
- It doesn’t mean anything about you or your faith.
- It doesn’t mean you take them forever (but maybe you do and that’s okay too).
- It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you wise.
- It doesn’t mean God or anyone else is disappointed in you.
Taking care of your mental health makes you a good mom, a good wife, a good sister, a good friend, a good community member, and a good Christian.
Life is not an either/or proposition, but a both/and. Take your meds and trust in Jesus. Go to therapy and trust in Jesus. Ignore the trauma dumping news and trust in Jesus. Vote and trust in Jesus. Take a Stupid Walk ™ and trust in Jesus. Watch Bluey and trust in Jesus.
I’ll be right here with you.
Postpartum Anxiety Help
Super important note: I’m not a doctor and this post sharing my experience should not be construed as medical advice. If you or someone you know may be in crisis or thinking of hurting themselves or others, get help quickly.
- Call your doctor.
- Call 911 for emergency services or go to the nearest emergency room.
- Call the toll-free 24-hour hotline of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-799-4889.
